Post by The Delivery Girl on Apr 14, 2024 12:02:28 GMT
Today we find The Delivery Girl storming out of a restaurant with a stack of orders needing to be delivered. She doesn’t look pleased today and her day is about to get worse because guess who decides to rush up to her like a one-man paparazzi? Lou Skunt. Yes sir. The same reporter who followed TDG like a lost puppy a few weeks ago just to get a few words with her after the tag team preseason match. He’s been at it hard, stalking, ahem, “researching” the enigmatic delivery specialist.
Lou Skunt: TDG! TDG! IT’S ME! LOU SKUNT FROM KAYFABE INSIDER!
TDG: Oh you gotta be shitting me right now. Dafuq you want, loose cunt?
Lou Skunt: Ha! Funny but my name is Lou *pauses* Skunt. I just wanna get some words from you about the goings-on in NPWA lately.
The portly middle aged man is having a terrible time keeping up with the fleet-footed wrestler as she speeds to her car and all but power slams the orders into the back seat. TDG hops into the driver's seat because honestly she’s forgotten all about the reporter. Lou isn’t gonna be denied though and piles into the passenger seat.
Lou Skunt: I just wanna get your thoughts on the preseason Rumble and why you didn’t join in!
TDG checks her watch. Time is of the essence and she isn’t gonna argue with the man. Kicking her turbo charged car into high gear, she peels out of the parking lot and hits the freeway quickly. Lous fumbles the recording device out of his attire and commences his duty, holding it at her.
TDG: You’re a persistent little shit, I’ll give you that. You want my thoughts on the Rumble? Why I opted out? It’s pretty fucking simple. I operate on a five minute deadline in the ring. Rumbles usually last like an hour. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
Lou Skunt: But the winner gets a guaranteed spot in the postseason!
TDG pulls off the freeway and swings a tight right onto a road and proceeds to blow through every stop sign she comes across, causing Lou to freak out and clench his cheeks.
TDG: The rumble is full of slow moving sticks in the mud who don’t have enough confidence in themselves to make it to the playoffs. Know what the winner’s gonna do with their postseason spot? Shit the bed like they did in the regular season.
Lou Skunt: Do.. uh.. Jeez.. uh do you have a prediction for who wins?
TDG: The one who is the least eliminated, for fuck sake!
Lou doesn’t follow up with an immediate question. He’s busy keeping his cheeks clenched and the vomit down. She’s still blowing through stop signs like a bat out of hell.
TDG: Spencer felt sorry for the slow movers okay? Half of them take five minutes to get their entrance out of the way for fuck sake. Where’s my representation though? Where are the “Time to beat” matches? Where are the “Beat the clock” matches? That’s the real question that needs to be asked.
TDG barrels past a cop who spills his Krispy Kreme doughnut milkshake on himself. He can’t believe how fast the driver is going and they need to be brought to justice. Not just on behalf of the good citizens of this city but also in honor of the $7.00 drink he just spilled because of them. The policeman hops into his cruiser and flips the lights.
The chase is on!
Lou is now screaming unintelligible shit because they’re moving even faster now. People and cars outside his window blur past like those scenes during the warp drive phase on Star Trek. The cop gains on them while TDG casually inserts a cigarette into the corner of her mouth and lights it. After drawing in, she fiddles with nondescript buttons on her dash. Soon the back quarter panels of her vehicle open, revealing tubes, and a second later the tubes spray a thick geyser of something on the windshield of the pursuing officer forcing him to abandon the chase.
To be on the safe side TDG presses another button and her license plates fall off onto the road and a new set moves forward taking their place, and the outside of her vehicle takes on a different color.
“We’re here! With 43.2 seconds to spare! TDG calls out, cutting through the silence. TDG jams on the brakes and brings the car to a stop at her destination.
TDG: Do me a favor. Take this order up there to Mrs. Wilson.
Lou is still shaking but gets out and takes the order from TDG, whose cigarette is tangling hilariously from her lips. It’s a wonder how it hasn’t fallen out yet. She looks past him to the kind old lady sitting on her porch.
TDG: Hey Mrs. Wilson! Love the new additions to your garden!
The sweet old lady blows TDG a kiss and thanks the nice young woman who is always so kind to her when she makes the deliveries. Lou is still trembling as he makes his way up the driveway to her. The sudden screeching of tires snaps his attention back to TDG who is long gone, leaving him with only the order in a sack and the old lady on the porch. He looks down into the bag and his brows lift.
Lou Skunt: This isn’t food.
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